Alright. Another week down... but I don't wanna think about how many more I have to live through.

He sent me this song to listen to because it was "perfect"... it honestly couldn't be more gorgeous... and to think that he actually feels this way; that someone in this world finally thinks that way of me. It's all so incredibly wonderful...

As I lie here in bed, your smile fills my head
And I'm using this pen to talk to you, from a southern way
It's been weeks since I've seen you last
The time away from you ain't moving too fast
Wishing my summer away just to see you again

I'm there by your side, lookin in your eyes
Seeing you with me, what else could there be?
If I could get away I'd be there today
You'd be wearing that smile
Haven't see you for a while

I wake up everyday, go through the same routine
Go to work, come home, what does it all really mean?
Check the mail just hoping to find,
another note from you could ease my mind
It's 5:15; I can picture you driving home from you same old scene
In five you'll hear the phone ringing, have to settle for talking again

I can picture you now, you're standing outside your house
The breeze is blowing off your northern shore
Now I'm loving you more
I long for the days when there are no goodbyes
Wish I could see you, wipe the tears from your eyes
Tell you everything's all right, lay you down
Say to you goodnight

-Pat McGee Band, "Haven't Seen For Awhile"

God I love him... I cannot wait for the time when I'll see him again. Honestly.

Here's to the summer. :-/

God honestly knows when I'm getting to a breaking point. Last night I was talking to John online, and with every passing moment he and I both felt the distance and missed each other more than anything... it was sooo hard and I cried for a solid halfhour, at least. So my cellphone rings and I'm expecting it to be him calling to check on me... but alas --

it is Gemma!! I figured that she was ignoring me again because she hadn't returned any of my calls, but that wasn't the case... so we talked (on our local Houston lines...yay for that) 'til midnight... it felt soooo good to catch up with her and realize that we've paralleled - we're not the same as we used to be at Duchesne, but our changes are so very similar that we essentially are the same. Wow... it was so nice. I felt a million times better... I told her that she made my whole summer with that phone call.

He, on the other hand, still had a kinda rough night... but I think that's just the way this summer is gonna be - some days we'll be okay and the distance will be painful but tolerable... and others where we feel that it's out to get us. All I know is that I'll continue to love him no matter what; it's just so hard when I can't be there with him... sigh. I'm getting a knot in my throat. Hopefully today will be a bearable day... I miss him soooo much.

I feel like a puzzle piece. The kind that got wet and doesn't fit well into its old spot. Siiigh. Houston is my puzzle. I don't fit here as well anymore.

I'm not complete. My heart is so incredibly homesick - he's become home to me. I can't believe how true that is, but it's something I know. I would be content to be with him always. I'm not at home when he's not near me. Sigh.

I do have to thank God for various Houston friends though... especially Mandy - you've been home for a little over a day and you've already called and have ideas for stuff we can do... and I appreciate that more than you could ever know... honestly. Because I'm incredibly disillusioned with the people from high school and beyond; no one seems to care about me or anything anymore, and that really starts to hurt. Especially when you know that others are getting together to go out and you're not part of them... you never were and you never will be, no matter how much you've changed. They don't see that. Sigh. Anyway.

One week down. 100 days to go. Later.

I'm home now for the summer. Sigh. Saying goodbye to everyone at ND was sooo hard. But mainly because I'll be so far away from him all summer. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. It's been 3 days and I'm still not able to listen to certain songs or sniff the little bear he gave me without a few tears springing from my eyes. I love him so much and this distance thing is really hard. I'm so glad that he and I are only separated by the summer - not by the actual school year.

Just as I was hoping, he said I love you right before I left... it's all so perfect. I haven't felt this way about anyone... ever. Seriously. I find that scary in a way.

I'm in my new house now. Everything's so weird now here in Houston - I need to find my normalcy again.

Later.