Ugh I just want January to be over. And you know, I really don't even know why. The past week was just soooo harsh is soooo many ways (one in particular I would much rather forget about completely, siiiigh... I can't believe my luck.) It's time like these that I start to miss my old life. My ignorant life. The one I had where I was in love with someone who would be mine once the distance was out of the way; where I went to school with the hope that I would be going to a great college and do great things; where I came home and sat around and didn't feel as if I were wasting my time... I miss that. I don't have that here. Here I do work, I go out, I am with friends whom I love dearly, but... my heart is no longer tied tightly to the one person whom I thought would be the last one to hold it. I'm new at this again. And it's still weird. Especially since I've found someone else to hold on to and (of course, it never fails) the timing isn't right.

I'm not sure what's left for me to try. I'm tired of this lack of feeling, lack of emotion... lack of requited feeling. What happened? Where have I made some mistake that will haunt me forever? Should I have stayed home, in Texas, surrounded by the familiar, the predictable, the world that I know and that knows me? Why did God put me here?

First Monday of the semester. Last week was okay at best; I don't know, I need some time to get back into the swing of things.

So many things seem to be changing and yet they aren't. I'm worried about so many different aspects of my life right now, and I know that if only a few of them were corrected, I'd feel so much better. Tough luck; those things are the ones that seem to elude me. Of course, the whole seasonal depression thing probably has a bit to do with all of this; I went home for three weeks, had beautiful weather with tons of sunshine and cool breezes, and here it's just plain cold and gray. All the time. The snow keeps falling and I wonder if it's ever going to stop. I don't understand how people can be used to this; I would go insane. I think I am going insane. Hmm.

Something just doesn't make sense. I've been told that I shouldn't give up hope just yet, but how can I keep hope when I'm not being shown that there's anything to hope for? Sigh.