I've had some scary dreams lately. Blah. But in a way I prefer those over the happier ones - the dreams of my heart's desires, the ones that leave me depressed for days - weeks- afterward.

I got the haircut finally. It's okay. I'm so bored with myself. I need to shed my old skin, my old self. I need a rebirth.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Or does it?

I've buried myself in books lately. I finished White Oleander and that was powerful. Now I'm reading The Nanny Diaries, which I can personally sympathize with in a way... I'm loving it so far. I've seen more movies in the past month than I had in the past four years... and I'm enjoying that. But it's still not enough.

Bah.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for two whole weeks... aaaahhhh so sweet. Though I'll miss a lot of my little girls because I won't see them again at the next session... oooh well.

I still need a haircut...bah.

David's been calling pretty often... it's actually kind of nice to talk to him - he's really sweet and funny and all that, and I still pray that all works out with his girlfriend, though she's being a real freak about certain stuff and I know that he deserves better, but oh well. If it's meant to be it'll be, right?

Mary's Chris is wonderful... I wish them the best of everything, even if it's not totally able to manifest itself right now because of bad timing... but that's okay. Saving the best for last is always better anyway, right? She deserves to be happy more than anyone I know right now. My ya-ya ;)

I'm loving being able to dive into books... ah... I'm reading White Oleander right now and I'll start the Nanny Diaries afterward :) Thank God for books, man.

Later.

I get to babysit my favorite kids tonight! Lol AND I get to see Mary and Chris and (Trey lol) on Sunday! I'm the luckiest girl ever... oh yeah...

I need a haircut...

"did you expect to kiss me one time while looking at me with the same eyes ever again? so come on and face it..."

I love John Mayer's songs... ah this is sweet.

I'm getting back into my opendiary a little again... some new people have been leaving notes, so it's nice.

"i've been your best kept secret"

19

I act like I'm 19.
This test was brought to you by Laura - Sponsored by Kylie.

hmmm...not too far from reality, I suppose...

I think that I've found the secret to get a guy to fall in love with me...

I must become homely-looking, with a big nose and a fat face. I must not be too smart or witty, and I must certainly never think of having my own opinions. Ever. I must get along pretty well with people, but not extremely well...I must be weird and chubby and overall kinda gross.

What is wrong with this picture?! Okay, I'm not being conceited, but I'm so much prettier than a lot of girls I've seen with boyfriends; I'm really smart (I have the grades and etc to prove it), I can carry conversation, I have opinions, and I get along very well in social situations. I'm told constantly that I'm hilarious, and I can be a very compassionate and caring person, too. I'm not horribly chubby and certainly not gross... why don't guys pay attention to me? Why is it so damn hard to get a guy to even think of perhaps wanting to have a relationship with me? Am I that horrid? Geez.... annnnyway.

Taylor Hanson got married. The girl is ugly, but I wish them really well, actually. I don't care for him the way I once did. My feelings have shifted and moved to someone else, someone far more realistic. At least, he was. Who knows about now. Bah I hate myself. Perhaps if I go light myself on fire or jump in a tub of clorox I'll become appealing... hmm...

"I think, therefore I'm single." (read that in a magazine... it's only half funny, because it's kinda true)

Later y'all. Princess Laughing Sky, I hope you get your arse back to Houston very soon. I miss you.

I'm so scared that
The way that I feel
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room
I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh
We used to hug
The way that old friends do
But now a smile and
A touch of your hand
Just make me come unglued
It's such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction
The way I feel for you?

It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you
How I feel?
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated.

Oh it's so confusing
I wish you'd just confess
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes
I hate it 'cause
I've waited so long
For someone like you

"Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Normally out of my supposed known genre of music, yes, I know, but I was told to listen to this about a year or so ago... and it's so true... so incredibly true...

What I would lose if your answer wasn't yes... sooo much. Perhaps too much? I don't know.

Gosh I'm listening to Alanis Morissette's new CD - I finally gave in and bought it after downloading three of her songs... it's beautiful. "Flinch", "Utopia", and "So Unsexy" are among my favorites... as is "Hands Clean"... but ah, she's a genius. I wish I were that talented.

Sigh. What do I do with myself?

Yay! I got my ND email address and all that good stuff... I'm excited, lol, how pathetic of me ;)

It's asandrea@nd.edu, for all of you who are so desperate to email me lol.

I talked to David on the phone today...that was nice :) It's so nice to have conversations with someone who's interesting (though he claims that he isn't.) I'm praying that he and Hope work out; he deserves to be happy.

Sigh... perhaps I'll find someone someday. Someone who will be smart and funny and smile at me in that special little way while listening to our favorite music (which will be similar because I couldn't date someone who hated my music - it doesn't work, I've tried it already)... someone who wants to be around me... someone who loves me in all possible ways - especially as my friend. Because that's what stays after everything else goes... I know that, too. I want someone to really know me. I think I deserve that. Please.

Mary and I had such a great time yesterday (and today!)... it was so nice to be spontaneous and loud in the car and just happy... I haven't been that way in a long time, and it was refreshing, to say the least. And our rings are cute... very very cute... and Chris was wonderful - I wholeheartedly approve of him.

I go to work next week... oh yay. Lol actually it should be fun. Perhaps my friends may visit me for lunch one day *cough cough* :) Later y'all.

Ironically, I did not shed a tear (though at times I felt like it) at graduation. I suppose I already knew deep down that it was time to move on... to go onto that next chapter of my life.

I got the form for the ND Freshman Register today... I must find a really nice picture of myself to send to them :) If any of you have ideas or a cute pic of me, let me know ;)

I'm excited about the prospect of going out clubbing and dancing with several of my friends this summer... we're finally old enough to enjoy our summer freedoms :) Mary - Chris is bringing two friends? Lol that will be very interesting *wink*

I reread some old stories that Mary brought over to my house this weekend... I can't believe how much I've changed and what memories those things bring back. It was such a good feeling... I can't believe it's been so long... I can't believe that some major fundamental beliefs I previously held are now so different (well, not *too* different, but you know...) anyway.

I want to get my creativity back... I don't know how, but there has to be a way to spark it again. I've had enough crap go on this past month to bring a hella bit of it back... let's see if it actually works. Sigh sigh sigh. I can't believe my heart sometimes.

Later.