Today is the big day. Four years of high school are going to be over in a matter of hours.

I got an email today from a friend I had almost thought I'd lost... and she's back, better than ever. Sweetie, I love you forever and ever and ever... that meant sooo very much to me. I didn't know I was so special to you. Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. My life wasn't the same without you...

Despite the crummy happenings of the past few weeks, I'm strangely okay. Getting better, even. I feel that if it's meant to work out, it'll all be okay... I'm okay. I'm crossing over the threshold. Oh man am I gonna be crying like hell tonight...

There's no turning back now. It's time.

I can't find my chapstick...waaahh I hate when it gets itself lost. Damn it.

Why is May so damn long? Ugh I want to hurry up and graduate.

Yet I've noticed lately that any time I have a moment of free time, I start getting depressed and I pray that I can find something to do. Hmmmm... not a good sign... I hope that's not what retirement's like *wink* And I still have soooo much to do before tomorrow - I need to finish writing to my teachers, I need to go to the salon, etc... agh! And then that party on Saturday...lordy...

I've taken the link to this off of my profile for many reasons... I only want those who care about me to read this. Later y'all.

Screw depression. Screw all of that crap. I'm through with it. This is my graduation week and I'm going to be happy about it. Celebration is in store; I'm not letting anything/anyone keep me down.

I start college classes in three months and a day. Scary, eh? But I'm so excited... going out and hanging out and partying and being swept up in everything. I've worked so hard to get to this point; I'm going to enjoy this.

erase and rewind 'cause i've been changing my mind -Cardigans

hmmm mmm mmmm ;)

Il faut bien que je supporte deux ou trois chenilles si je veux connaître des papillons.-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I only hope that's true. Actually I know it's true, but it doesn't really help much. Bah.

Five more days until graduation... I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

My subconscious left me a comment and told me to write more often, so yeah, Mary, I'll try to.

I'm getting depressed, and as I get depressed, I try to make up for it by acting happier than usual. And it's killing me. I'm getting home in the evenings and I don't want to be here; I want to be comforted but no one around me can do that; I want to scream and run away and cry but none of that works. None of it. So I get to sit here, going through the motions of everyday crap, with a big knot in my throat.

And it's really weird - it has nothing to do with my family "issues"... my family is amazing for the fact that everyone seems to get along... we're okay. I'm okay with them.

These are turbulent times, and there isn't much of a solution in sight, at least, yet.

Subconscious - I'll try to write more. But it's getting harder to be truthful in here...and I think that's all my fault. Damnit.

I'm darker now. Boo.. I hate tanning.

Three months and a day away from college... how frikin scary is that? :) I'm happy now - one of my guy friends told me that I'm in the percentage of ND girls that are hot...haha way to boost my self-esteem lol... that was really funny. :)

Tomorrow's another crazy day. I'm spending most of it with my aunt Terri, thankfully, which is always fun. And the concert, of course... that should be very nice. :)

Well...this is boring and I'm tired from the sun..perhaps I'll go to bed early tonight *gasp* ha, fat chance.... talk to y'all later :)

This week has been better that last week, so far :) Hopefully... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I sent an email to a friend that was starting to not be a friend anymore. And we're trying to fix things... and we will. Like the Ya-Yas ;) Because I realize that I'm missing a part of me when she's not there; all of my friends hold special parts of my life that I could never afford to lose... she's no different.

My outlook is brighter right now - please, I don't want anything bad to happen to bring me down... I want to be happy. I choose to be happy.

Everyone needs to read Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. That is *such* a great book. It really makes you appreciate your friends and also, in a way, wish that they were all a little more like the ya-yas :)

later y'all.

I'm home I'm home I'm home I'm home I'm home...

Will it matter when you're on your own? will it matter when you're all alone? will it matter when you stop and smell the breeze... and you don't have me?

There's sooooo much to do in so little time... I think I'm going to lose my mind before the end of this. Perhaps that'd be a good thing.

What has happened to me in the past two weeks? I'm starting to lose hope in myself... I'm not so sure that I believe myself anymore. Stupid lying crappy ---- bah. Yet I know I'm worth someone's time, somewhere in this world... just to find that person. Riiight.

I hope my friends don't disappear over the summer. I'm already starting to feel disconnected from everyone, and school isn't even officially over yet. Sigh. I just hate when people "are busy" over the summer... we're all busy, every summer, but this summer is different. It's our last one together. It's the last summer before other people become involved. Before we make other friends and have new experiences. Before we've found other people to run to when problems arise with "friends." Sad as this all is, it's true... how can you truly run to a friend who's never met the people you're having problems with? Don't think that I'm pulling this out of nowhere... I've made all of these mistakes and they're just that... mistakes. I've stuck my nose in places where it didn't belong and made huge screwups...sigh. No need to relive that kind of mess. I'm not saying that "more established" friendships aren't good; I'm just trying to emphasize the truth - life will change in two months and this is our last summer to relish the way things are.

It's barely starting to hit me.

This has been one hell of a weird week. Sometime's good, sometimes.. well... you can imagine. Sigh.

I've started to disconnect myself from Duchesne. Everytime I walk into the building, or open my nearly-empty locker, I feel the separation growing. It's over. My four years of high school are finally over. And if I can ever get that stupid curtsy just perfectly right, maybe I can finally graduate.

Amanda described my past week so perfectly - "dude, that's enough crap to put you in therapy for years!" ;) I don't think it's all that bad, but whatever. The changes are starting to set in and, well, I'm not too sure about it. I suppose that this too shall pass, as everything does.

It's raining right now and it's so peaceful, despite the world. I previously claimed that I would be happy and free once yesterday was over, but I've changed my mind and moved all that to Sunday evening. Once I'm home, in my room, with all of my stuff...where I belong... then I'll be happy. Right now I can't be happy. Perhaps I won't even be happy then, considering...

I know I'm being very vague about certain stuff, for those of you who read this and/or OD, but it's something that's so close to my heart and fragile that I'd rather not come out directly with it.

David, in case you read this (though you usually don't), I'm here for you. You're a very good guy and you deserve the world. I won't repeat my cliché statements, but you know what I mean. At least this all happened now, right? Bah don't worry about that crap anymore.

Okay, enough with that. Have a nice weekend everyone... and pray that I can perhaps win some backstage passes for the concert I'm going to on Thursday. Later :)

Agggghhhh I want this week to ennnd.... once Thursday's over, I'll be totally free... well, 'cept for the grad practices and whatnot, but I can put up with that... I just need to get away from Finch and her class that almost made me want to switch majors...arrrrrg...

DASH people - how much do tests weigh in her class? Hopefully not too much because my grades in there vary a wee bit more than I woud like them to, considering her tests are made by picking multiple choice questions out of a hat and type them into the document... she's such a crackhead, I swear... interesting person, bah teacher. I think.

Well... I suppose I'll be talking to y'all later... only 11 days til the concert I've been waiting for for the past two years :) Later!

Why on earth is my AP so late tomorrow? Siiiigh... I just wanna get it over with; I know I'm going to do poorly on it, so I might as well take it now. Right now. ;)

I had a really good laugh on the phone tonight. That felt very nice. Thank you ;) I'll have to remember our phone conversation in order to keep from crying during graduation... hehe

You know, I just cleaned my stupid room about a week ago and it's already getting messy again... books all over the floor, papers, old binders... arrrrgggg I hate throwing away binders and papers because it's as if the poor trees died in vain... sigh... what to do...maybe I should quit school all together.

Perhaps I'll go and try to fall asleep now... I've been getting too much sleep recently and it's giving me insomnia at night........siiiiiigh if it's not one thing it's another, always. *shrug* ooh well...

Pray for me! :)

Score... one AP down, two more to go :)

It's getting a bit late but I kinda took a...well.... 5 hour "nap" this afternoon after my exam, so um.. yeah I'm not sleepy at all lol :)

My mom admitted that Johnny Rzeznik's voice is really hot... well, those weren't her exact words but that's what she was implying lol :) I have to put his posters up all over my half of the dorm room next year - I hope my roommate doesn't mind him. Because I can't live without my posters... I'd cry. Well, I'll be crying anyway for the first few days - weeks, whatever - but seeing my posters will make me feel better.

I'm not looking forward to taking college finals. Or any finals... won't it be enough for me to just show up for class? Gag... school is so not fun... law school does NOT look appealing right now... I can't take another seven years of this.

Later y'all :)

In a way I'm kind of glad that this thing wouldn't let me post last night... my emotions were somewhat more charged than they are now, so yeah...

Last night was okay at best. I spent most of the evening with my dad's family and my mom, and I kinda avoided talking to him all that much because, well, my half-brother was there and they were talking because they actually have a past together - he and I don't. I don't look like him at all, in my opinion, except for his eyes. He has the same greenish-hazel colored eyes that I (usually) have... though I think mine are more hazel now than anything, but whatever, it depends on what I'm wearing, etc. Sigh. That's really the only similarity I saw...

and I feel that all of my initial suspicions are right. Sigh. He has absolutely no concept of just how short of a time I'm going to be living here; he has no idea just how frikin hard I've worked for everything in my life (though he knows, but doesn't understand, if that's clearer); he doesn't realize that I'm too smart to just let people walk in and out of my life like that. My half-brother might be okay with all of this, which is fine because they have memories, etc... I don't and that pains me. My "brother" is also not nearly as intelligent (in every sense of the word, and I'm not being arrogant, I'm just stating fact) as I am so therefore he sees things differently. siiiigh.... omg where do I start??

Last night really made me see what a gem my mother truly is. She is... I can't even describe just how wonderful of a woman she really is. Sure, she makes me horribly mad sometimes, she doesn't understand certain things, but she is an amazing person. I doubt that half of the women I know in this world could have survived what she (and I) have gone through... And she's right... only she and I know just how hard I've worked and what I've gone through...

and I guess it's silly to expect anything more from him. Why should I? Sigh. Until he can learn to care about what I feel is important in life, I can expect nothing more and nothing less of him. And truthfully, I'm not so sure that I care enough to work on it for three months and leave it there... because I sure as hell am NOT dragging a half-finished job of a 18-years-deteriorating-relationship with me to college. There's no way. I don't want college to be my escape from this. It'll get settled; I just dont' know how yet.

------------

On other matters... well, that's the only thing I've thought about (amazingly) for the past day or so... there are other matters, one of which made me cry a bit last night before I went to bed, but I think that was really just because I was already so emotionally fueled that all it took was nearly nothing for me to start imagining a bunch of crap and then starting to cry about it.

Don't you love being a girl? ha.

how appropriate...lol *wink*

Life as I know it is over. That's not bad in any way, but I'm scared. Yesterday was my last class day of high school. I can't believe it's over. It's really strange.

We had sooo much fun yesterday though. The morning started off with the Mother/Daughter Prayer Service, to which we had to wear our dress uniform. And then after the service we all took off our navy vests and started signing each other's shirts with different colored sharpies... my shirt reeks of sharpie lol :) Then we had a party in every class... I had sooo much cake yesterday... gag...

But now it feels weird to know that it's over. My music director gave a little speech about each of us in her choir last night at our Lit Singer banquet, and I wanted to cry because I just realized how hard it's going to be to say goodbye. I've spent more of my life at Duchesne than at home lol...

But I'm excited about college... a bit nervous... a bit worried about how long it's going to take me to adjust... but I think I'll be okay... millions have done this before; it can't be that hard. But I'm going to miss my friends soo much... I hope they all keep their promises and come visit me in college sometime during the next four years.

Later y'all.