Tomorrow is May. First. May 1st. Who would've thought?

I feel as if my life is being turned upside down and inside out right before my very eyes, yet it doesn't feel as if it's affecting me directly. It's like it's happening to someone else, and I know it's happening to me, but I don't grasp it. I'm not sure how I'm going to react this weekend... I just don't know. It's been ten years. Ten whole damn years. There is no way in hell that I could know how to react after ten years.

But this time it's not all my fault. It was never my fault. I needed time to adjust and sort through my life (as an eight year old, mind you) and that was a piece of my life that didn't fit. So I left it. For ten years.

I remember someone a while ago comment at me that because I'm an only child I have no real sense of the world. If that person only knew just how much more of this world I know than they do. And I'm proud that I know and have experienced so much. It makes me a lot less naive than my counterparts, I suppose.

But it's so hard when no one can understand what you've gone through. And it's your fault for not sharing it, but you've had so many bad experiences when you let people into that secret that you've decided not to share anymore until you can be certain that they won't give you that stupid "aww poor baby you must have suffered so" look. I *hate* that pity look. I hate it sooo much. Or the pity whimper that they give... "aww"... it's like, shut up and try to comprehend this instead of giving me all of your false sympathy. And with false sympathy goes that attempted logical reasoning... don't tell me to reason through my issues... don't give me "logical explanations" for everything that's happened. Because the truth is that I've already dealt with most of that, I understand why it's happened, my inner child or whatever isn't scarred and I am proud of who I've become.

The main point I'm trying to make is that there's no need for false anything. The fact is that I'm okay, but even the strongest person is knocked a bit when something like this comes into their lives...

Ten years. Damn. What's next?

it's too bad that we had no time to rewind...well let's walk... let's talk....-(nickelback)

P.S. - the comments above weren't directed to anyone that I've spoken to about that subject lately... the pity crap and such was received many a year ago from people who didn't seem to know better. Sigh. Just to clarify.

One more week... one more week... then I'm out of high school (technically, only officially on May 31st) and then I get to spend my summer working like crazy and trying to see every single one of my awesome friends as much as possible before they get ripped away from me and sent to various parts of the country. Sigh. Figures that I'd become close again with certain friends just as time is running out. Ooh well...better late than never, I suppose.

I had an awesome conversation with my uncle Mike yesterday...he's the cool musician one. Actually, a lot of my family is "cool" like that... they all act so much younger than they really are... he's awesome. He gave me tons of tips on how to behave in college. Ha. Behave. We'll see ;)

My mom's back to normal... she's nice again. Phew. I was worried for a while there, but then I didn't care anymore because I wouldn't have to put up with her in a few months anyway, so it she screwed up our remaining time together in the life as we know it, it'd be her fault, not mine. Lol does that make sense?

You know what I just realized? Actually, that's a lie... I always knew this - I have no control over my thoughts... I can't make myself stop thinking about something or someone or whatever... it's actually rather scary, if you think about it. Even if you "force" yourself to stop thinking about something, you're still essentially thinking about it because you're trying to NOT think about it. Gag... stupid brain. stupid emotions. stupid heart that gets stuck on people and then refuses to let go. Freak.

It'll be May in 4 days. Crap I have a lot of stuff to get done.

Oh! Ticketmaster sent me an email to say that they're sending my tickets for the Goo Goo Dolls! Yay! :) And I don't think anyone's opening for them, which rocks because that means they'll sing longer... score ;)

Au revoir, mes chères. Je vous aime beaucoup! Mais seulement si je te connais, car si je ne te connais pas, je ne te peux pas aimer... lol ;)_ stupid me... Later!

I never have to wear plaid pants again. Ever. Isn't that wonderful?

I'm feeling somewhat frustrated about a certain situation, though if I say only "right now" that wouldn't be true because it's been like this for what seems like forever. Sigh. Yet I don't know, as the days go by it seems more and more optimistic. Perhaps I'm getting better at the whole signals thing, or maybe I'm trying so hard that I'm getting them reversed. Arrrg... it's tough being a girl sometimes.

A week and a day and that's it of high school. And then it's APs and a stupid semester econ final and graduation practices and church friends and old friends and babysitting and parties and *concert*... and then a few months down the road I say goodbye to it all and move on with my life. And then come back a month or so later...

Do you ever wonderful just how different we're all going to be when we come home for the first time? What's it going to feel like to step foot in your old car or lie down in your old bed? I am a true recorder of little detailed memories like that...they are sometimes the most important.

Prom pics are in and they rock!! I'm bringing them to school manana. ;)

Feel this moment in you...

Two more weeks. A culmination of everything I've done for the past four years will come in the form of a piece of paper. I've satisfactorily completed the curricula of my school. Well done, congratulations. Say goodbye to all you've known for the past four years. Hug the people whom you've barely let into your walls in the past few months. Too late, babe, all too late.

I find this to be a recurring theme in my life. Letting people in just a blink before it's all over. I open my heart up, my life up, and suddenly they leave me in some way...they move, they turn against me, we grow up... and I have to start again. Anew. Everything.

A blank slate can be a huge relief. A welcome sight. But it can also be horribly painful. So I've decided that I'm breaking this curse. I'm not going to let this song play itself out in my life one more damn time. No way.

The walls will come down... slowly, but surely... the uptight, self-righteous, frustratingly vague Angelica will be staying in Houston. She'll be locked away in a big purple rubbermaid storage bin, along with all of my other memories. And the Angelica who's okay with the fact that's she's not the most perfect, most beautiful, most talented, most anything will be coming along for the next four years... hopefully forever. It's taken me years to make cracks in the walls that surround my inner self, due to the mess that came in my latter childhood.

A friend of mine once told me that she believed that one day I would meet someone who would help me tear everything down...that person would make me realize that I'm a good person. The person would be willing to listen to my life story, understand it, and still care for me afterwards...

I have yet to find that person in the past four years - here's to the next four years.

Later.

Yes! Just as I was about to lose hope completely on getting an outside scholarship, I received a letter in the mail today from the Houston Endowment, Inc., which gave me a $3000/yr ($12000 total) scholarship to the university of my choice. You can't imagine how wonderful this news is... I can hardly believe it.

Wait 'til Ms. Epps sees this tomorrow morning ;)

Prom is Saturday. I'm quite disillusioned about it, especially since our class has gotten yelled at about prom for what seems like ages... sigh... I hope it's fun. I don't think I'm going to anyone's afterparty though, even though Michelle and Barbara both invited me....arg... there's just too much going on, I guess. Next year will be the year for fun :)

Did I tell y'all that I got Goo Goo Dolls' tickets? I'm very excited... Amanda got two, and so did I, because we were scared that they might not be general admission, so we kinda had an extra ticket each... yeah... so I offered it to a guy friend of mine, and if he didn't want it, I'd offer it to either a girl from church or my uncle (he'd go with his friends, lol, not me)... and Amanda got a girl from school to go with her, so it's all good... we'll see :) I'll definitely let y'all know how the concert was... *joyous smile*

Well, the news of the scholarship made my day. Thank You, Lord. :)

Amanda and I got fish water on our feet today... oh yummy ;)

And I have to update my "people who read this crappy blog" average to 4.75 ;) Don't you love decimals? Gag I'm such a freak, I swear...

You know, the other day (or week) Mandy and I were talking at lunch and she told me that she had noticed that I had become a little less uptight and a lot more like the way I am at home. I'm so glad that the transition is starting to wrap up... my new year's resolution was to let go of all the crap that was holding me back and just be the person I really am. Four months later, here I am.

I've had some rather saddening dreams for the past three nights... you know, the kind that make you wake up and wish you hadn't. I think my heart is trying to communicate something to me... I'm stubborn...it takes about three years for that message to finally get into my mind and make me act on it. I need an upgrade ;)

You know what? I think I'm pretty... and no, I'm not high (though I was shaking kinda weird a little while ago...hmm)

Late. (hahaha stupid girls at DASH)

You know what's sad? Realizing that you only got to spend a year in the classes of two amazing teachers, both of whom you could have had in previous years. Ah, well... at least I got them this year, right? For those of you who know my school, I'm talking about Sr. Karam and Mme. Eilender... I'm going to miss them both so much next year. Funny how they actually like talking to me...

Today in English we sat inside the White House and had coffee and coffeecake, all the while talking about how stupid binge drinking in college is, especially if you know better... lol and Sr. Karam said that we girls should start a trend and only drink wine (not a bad idea...lol) It's times like those that I'm going to miss when I leave DASH...sigh...

The Goo Goo Dolls' CD is absolutely amazing. I hope their concert will be just as amazing... sigh... me and my obsession with the voice... beautiful...

and you... take it so slowly...

You know what I think? I think that the most perfect marriage proposal would be for the guy (poor thing) who wants to marry me to take me to a Goo Goo Dolls' concert and then ask me during "Slide"... lol in my dreams, right. Yeah, yeah, I know. Since it's only a dream, why don't we have John Rzeznik dedicate the song to me from the guy and make a big deal out of it... ha... I wish... ;)

I know now that a whole of 2.5 people read this journal...interesting... y'all actually care about my life? lol sillies :)

Love y'all... all 2.5 of you ;)

My Goo Goo Dolls' CD should be here in a day or two! I'm so excited :) Amazon.com sent me the confirmation of shipping email last night...woohoo!

Vanderbilt sent me a letter today saying that they are confirming the closing of my file at their school. It's so...final. Everything's getting like that. I talked to Mrs. Weathers, the librarian today, about writing a reference letter for me just in case I want to show it to someone in an attempt to get a job next year... she said yes, of course, but it's so weird to be asking for that. I've been there for three years. Sigh... if nothing else, I show continuity.

It's really only a matter of weeks... hmm...

Oh my gosh... I don't think even I realize just how much is going to change from here to the end of the year... sometimes I'm not even sure I want to deal with that little issue yet. Ha, little... arg arg arg...later

Daylight savings time is so freaking stupid. Ugh. I hate that. I didn't get home last night until AFTER it happened, too. Sigh...lol oh well :)

Erin and I found her prom dress in under an hour - it was quite amazing... not what I had first imagined, but it's really pretty, and so are her shoes :) Hopefully prom won't be as painful as junior semiformal was.

I was somewhat relieved to hear today in my confirmation class that there are still people in this world that consider marriage and such holy, and divorce not. After seeing what divorce can do to people, and what it has essentially imprinted on my life, I want no part in that. I plan on taking a commitment like marriage very seriously, and I'd started to worry about that because it seems as if no one else in this world does... Ryan, thankfully, spoke out today and it was weird to hear how similar our reactions were to our respective parents' divorce... (confusing, sort of... oh well, weird sentence). I think that might be why I have such a fear of commitment... because, seriously, once you start something with someone, there are only two ways it can end - you continue on (marry) or you don't. Period. I don't think there is really a gray area in between that. Anyway... I probably shouldn't be thinking of that right now... I still have plenty of time...right...right? Sometimes I'm not so sure... things are becoming less and less familiar as time passes.

Coffeehouse went well... supposedly... Mandy and Erin said I sounded nice, but I don't know what the general public thought...who cares anymore... I'm starting to feel burdened by all of that... sometimes I feel as if that dream is purposely starting to be put on a back burner. I often ask God to open doors where He wants me and close others where He doesn't, and upon closing those doors, to take that longing out of my heart. I think that's the best prayer anyone can pray... once you open yourself up to what God wants for you, anything's possible. Truly. My life is example of that in nearly every way... in many ways none of you know.

Later.

Yay! Prom suddenly takes a turn for the... better! One of my friends is throwing a party at her house, and a ton of us our going over there (ton=20 or so people..lol). I think I'm going to have to skip confirmation class that Sunday morning though...there's no way I'm trekking back to my house that early in the morning. :)

(Mandy, you're coming with me to this party... it's Michelle's... )

A lot of the girls at school didn't get into Vanderbilt, even though they'd kill to go there... I was kinda sad for them. I can't believe it's all coming to an end so quickly... ND here I come! :)

My mom has changed her mind once again... we're back to driving up to ND, not flying (agh!) lol let's see how long she'll go with this decision... oh! Mandy - nother note - my party's moved back to the 1st, so I can still go to yours :)

I'm helping Erin find her prom dress Friday and Saturday...should be a fun time :) I'm started to get excited about prom, strange as it may seem...

Okay...later y'all.