I fell asleep shortly after I had posted my last post, so I missed the brunch. Oops? Nah, no big deal.

Because of how horrible my Thursday and Friday were, my mom and I went out today and did some spectacular shopping... I'm horribly excited to wear my prom dress... it's sooo gorgeous. Maybe the dance won't suck so bad after all. :)

I remember hearing last night that my wouldhavebeen prom date and his Angelica-hater gf broke up... and my friend hinted that it might have been due to my stupid prom question. Arrrg... and *that's* why I don't like dealing with guys. I always seem to cause some sort of problem. I remember sophomore year, James was taking some other girl to his homecoming (he'd asked her a week or two before he'd met me), and then he had the nerve to call me during his homecoming with his date sitting right next to him, to tell me that he missed me and should have taken me. That was sooo horribly embarrassing. I would never have gone out with him if I hadn't been pushed over the edge by a certain...... annnnyway.

Well, I hope that things are going better for everyone overall... my life is okay right now. I'm tired, proud of myself, and overall okay. Don't worry about me. Only a few more months until college :) Yay!

Gosh. Yesterday was just soo not my day... so many bad things happened to me all frikin day that by the time I was ready to go out to one of my friend's parties last night, I was rather pissed off and sure that I'd be miserable.

I wasn't miserable, per se... I went there, knowing that another one of my friends would drive me home, but she didn't want to leave til like three, so I didn't get home til then. It was bad. But we broke out the wine and the margaritas (which were disgusting..they didn't make them right) and it was all good... I'm just really groggy right now because I went to bed sooo friking late and I have to go to a family brunch thing in an hour or so. Ah well. I should have gone dancing with one of my guy cousins who's in town last night, but ah... too late :)

Hope y'all had a good day. Later.

Utterly depressed. I started out having an absolutely awesome day and then it just...died. My mom had scored me passes for the private session Goo Goo Dolls concert on Friday, and one of my best guy friends was going to go with me to it... or Amanda was if he couldn't make it... but then it turned out the passes were only for 21 and up, even though they hadn't announced it... so I couldn't go... my mom and her coworker (who actually got the things for me) were more upset than I was... my mom has now promised me frontrow tickets for the next GGD concert... hell, she said it doesn't matter where it is, even if the only one near me is in Oklahoma. She loves me too much...she even thought of getting me a fake ID, but it wouldn't be ready in time.

So anyway. That sucked. And I won't get to see my friend...sigh.

Mandy - I'm thinking of a summer trip...perhaps to Florida? What do you think? I want to fly though... I really don't want to do a road trip, especially since I doubt either you or Erin would want to subject your cars to that kind of mileage (my mom wouldn't let me take the car...lol I already asked)... should we start planning?

Talk to y'all later. I'm somewhat upset... I went shopping and to dinner just to make up for it.

Got my pictures back from Christmas, my birthday, Field Day, and Senior Retreat... (I don't get film developed, obviously)... most pictures came out pretty well, but some were really dark because something is screwed up with my camera... I have to go and get that checked. Mandy, did you ever get your pics back? I can't remember.

I had definitely missed seeing my friends at school... it's so funny how we all become motor mouths the minute we see each other again, just to catch up. :)

Our college acceptances board(s) at school had to have two extra boards added because we're overflowing with acceptances... pretty damn cool, if ya ask me... Epps should be proud.

Well, enough... I need to go and get to doing some work... Mandy - I have your Chinua Achebe book!!! hahah I looked at the cover and saw your name written all over it :) It's not as bad as people made it seem to be... at least, so far :)

Felt like putting an excerpt from my paper journal on here, for the hell of it.

--I don't know what to think and you can't tell if you're dreaming... I wish that I could just let this go...

Let this go. Let all of this crap go. I wish I could let everything go. All of my old dreams and aspirations, the way I look and feel, the people who constantly burst in and out of my life and disrupt the fragile stability I have... why can't I just start over?
--Because the Angelica right now is the one who's gotten me as far as I've gotten. She's responsible for all that I know (and don't know). If she were to go, who would replace her? She's worked so f*cking hard for everything she's ever gotten in this world - absolutely NOTHING has been handed to her on a silver platter... everything has been earned, never just asked for. She's not ready to relinquish this life just because she's somewhat tired.
--But she's asking for more freedom. More chances to be happy.
--See, that's where she's failed. She hasn't mastered bringing happiness, and what's worse is that she knows happiness... she's tasted it in the past, albeit only for brief moments... and she knows that it can't come from outside herself... she has to make it happen in her life because nothing and no one in this world can just hand it to her....
--So for now, we both sit... the Angelica I've always been, and the other, the one who wants to get out and escape herself. We wait in limbo; however, we know not what we wait for... for the solution to all of the stupid problems surrounding my life... and all the while the world is passing me by, in awe at my supposed maturity and abilities... if they only knew.

Five more weeks of school. Five months to figure out a hell of a lot of issues. Oh so much fun.

My second chance has arrived... but can I get tickets? The Buzz is having the "Goo Friday" this Friday and their thing is also by invitation only... I *M U S T* get into this!!!! If y'all can help in any way, let me know.

Okay...there was the public service announcement.

Confirmation class was fun... we took a test (I'm the only person in the program's five years to get a 100 *hehe*), and I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Dominic was telling me that he almost got arrested last night because some person thought they saw him with a gun...at the movies... riiiight...he said it was quite humiliating and he was ticked about it. Oh well... he's okay now :)

Speaking of... I don't think I'll be able to take him to prom... he said he'd love to go, but that his girlfriend wasn't very comfortable with the idea after seeing me (what the hell?!), so she told him that if he went with me she'd dump him. And what's scarier is that he said he'd go with me anyway because she's so full of it, but I don't want to cause problems with them... so yeah, I think I'll just tell him not to worry about it... Mandy, we need to plan an afterparty ;) And perhaps hire some bodyguards to make sure that we're not attacked at Rockefellers'.... sigh...such a ghetto place.

Well, enough of that. Back to school tomorrow morning. Damn.

Sigh. My last day before going back to school. Ooh well.

I'm pissed. The Goo Goo Dolls are coming into town for some anniversary party of a radio station here in town, but I can't go because I'm not 21 and it's by invitation only... damnit I hate stuff like that. The only consolation I have is that when (not "if", when) they come back to Houston or Chicago (hopefully ND, too!), my best friend has promised to come to the concert with me... especially since I didn't go with him when they were in town the last two times... siiiigh... he said he'd be more than happy to go with me, so we'll see... they'd better come to a town near us or else... screw that stupid radio station, hmph... stupid age requirements... age is only a number, babe...

Well, I have my confirmation test tomorrow... better go and finish studying my dogma... ;) I'm quite disillusioned with the Catholic church right now, with all that's going on about those priests and the cover ups and all... sigh... but what am I supposed to do about it? I refuse to let it shake my faith.

Five months from today... I'll be moving into my dorm at Notre Dame... I can't believe this is happening... finally... I hope it's only the beginning of a ton of great new things that'll be happening in my life.

Later y'all. Mandy - DASH may suck, but you make it a whole lot brighter :)

Got my report card. Geez, it's the last one before I graduate. Wow... seems like I'm exempt from my finals. Ha. Take that, DASH ;)

It's all overcast and gloomy today...makes me feel great :) And if my mom says "Hey Domer" one more time, I think I'm going to scream... I'd rather not be reminded every minute of every day that I'm leaving home for quite a while... damn. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to college and especially Notre Dame... but I don't know... it's all starting to happen a bit too fast... if that's even the problem... I'm not sure anymore.

I'm listening to "The Boy is Mine"... y'all remember that song? Lol it rocks... I've dug up so much old music in the past few days... :)

I just got around to reading the messages people have left me in my guestbook... I dunno what to make of a few of them, and quite frankly, I'm in no mood to deal with that stuff right now... my world is confusing enough as it is.

You know, I feel bad for guys in general... sure, girls, they cause us plenty of pain and tears, but hell, we do the same to them... especially since they're responsible for figuring us out when we can't even figure ourselves out. I'll be the first to stand up and say that I don't know what the hell I'm all about right now... some stuff I'm sure of, others...ha right. I'm such a work in progress... I pity the guy who ever thinks that I'm worth his time... seriously... I can only offer that I hope he finds his time spent well worth it...maybe... *shrug*

I still have to go shopping later on tonight... lol I *hate* shopping for bras... especially when the salespeople happen to be guys...who hires guys to work in the lingerie section?! ugh lol later y'all.

Spring Break is half over and only now have I shaken off the lethargy that's gripped me for the past few days... arg. That's annoying. Another thing that's horribly annoying is the fact that I accidentally left my favorite bra and panty set at Vanderbilt... must have fallen out when I was rummaging through my bag....that really pissed me off.

I have sent in my "confirmation of intention to enroll" card to Notre Dame. The decision seems scary though, so final and life-altering. Wow. My life is going to sooo change in the next five months... I don't believe it's hit me yet. My world will never be the same. Ever. Gosh. I'll have to make new friends and all that all over again. My only comfort is that two of my absolute best friends will be there with me... one has even promised to alert me the second it starts to snow... even if it's in the middle of the night...lol just to end my whining (I whine about snow to him a lot, I guess...lol).

Anyway. I've gotta go shopping in order to replace my precious clothing... damn that still makes me mad lol. Later y'all.

Financial aid papers and such are starting to pour in from the sky... or the mailbox... so that all needs to be looked at. I kind of feel bad that I went on this trip to Vanderbilt and instead of having the school go up on my list, it went down. Let's just say that even Rice is above it (major ouch for Vandy.) Oh well.

Does anyone except for me actually relate to song lyrics? I'm just sitting here, relaxing on Spring Break, and listening to Lifehouse's "Everything". The words are so beautiful and I could only dream of having someone wonderful feel that way about me. Tough luck, huh?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

I walked for a mile in stiletto heels Saturday night...now THAT takes courage ;)

Wow. I'm home and it feels so weird... if being away for four days does this, I don't wanna know what two months can do...geez.

I hated Vanderbilt. The campus is dead, no one does anything on campus, and pretty much everyone is...blah let's not get into it. People only care about their frat/sorority, and although the parties were pretty good at the frats, the campus was seriously in desperate need of students who care about it. Annnyway..Notre Dame, here I come. I knew from the moment I stepped down at Vandy that it wasn't for me. I got the completely opposite feeling at ND... so now it's only a matter of sending in my commitment form...hmm... commitment... now there's an area of my life that has problems ;)

I feel sick and I dunno why... I can't get over how weird home feels...but then again, I've only been back for about an hour. My trip wasn't totally worthless - had some fun with new people and met a lot of really cool people...hopefully a few might end up at ND, too.

Spring Break... hmm... sleep...finally... gosh I have like so little time left in high school; I'm scared. I'm really really scared... I'm going to miss everyone soooo much... at least I get to keep my best friend with me, but still... I wish everyone were coming with me to college...

but then again, I don't. Hell, I don't know what I want anymore. Or who I am. Or whatever. All I know is that I'm kinda tired, I have a headache, and I haven't slept much in the past few nights. I know actual college will be better because I'll actually have my own space, my own room, computer, etc. It'll be mine.

Later y'all.

My mood has drastically improved and I'm not sure why. All I know is that I hope it lasts.

Next week is Spring Break! I'm off to Vanderbilt for a weekend starting at 5:50am (aggh!!) on Thursday. I still love ND, but I want to take advantage of the free trip and the parties available to me ;)

I dream I had about a month or two ago has suddenly fit into reality... very scary. I don't like to realize that parts of my dreams are actually real, not just figments of my imagination. Blah blah blah. I also had a dream about a friend of mine this past weekend... felt kind of strange and what's worse is that I won't see him this week... arg... oh well, I hope he has fun on his retreat...

I read somewhere the other day that it's so surprising to hear about experiences or whatever that certain people have because most people don't consider them as having any contact with the opposite sex. I think that's hilarious. If people only knew...

I need to start packing! Ack... I hate packing...I hope I have fun at Vandy... I deserve it, right?

I wrote a six-page letter today and have no intention of sending it... because it isn't for anyone. Hmm. Whoever read it would probably be able to blackmail me for a while... probably better to burn this.

I've been feeling guilty lately, and I'm not sure why. I don't know what I've done recently that would merit such a feeling. Sigh. I hate, however, when the past starts to rear its ugly head and I start thinking of stuff I've done in the past (more like soph year)... I feel queasy just thinking about it. I'm not sure where the hell my judgment was during that year but it sure wasn't with me. And what's weirder is that I haven't told anyone... and I don't know if I ever will for fear of losing those friends. I wish I had never step foot there and lost my mind that way...ugh nevermind... only I know what I'm talking about now and that's stupid.

My friend Luke may not be able to go to ND because of some scholarship they refused to give him or something... boo... who is going to hang out with me and say, "hola bella"? If there is a will, there's gotta be a way...

I've recognized another problem I have... I have this comfort zone (though it's not comfortable because it's full of this limbo-ish crap) and I can't do anything that would shake that stability... I'd rather an uncomfy stability than somethng painful and unstable. Siiiigh what the heck is with me?? I'm sooo screwed up, I swear. Risks aren't really my strong point...that's why you'll rarely (if ever) see me make any kind of move. Bah.

I heard something today that was very disconcerting... I thought I was okay with it all but I'm obviously not because it made me feel sick. And I have this horrible fear of throwing up so feeling nauseous is an absolutely horrible thing for me... stupid stupid stupid. My weekend has been, well... screwed over, to be nice... because of school, yet again. Damnit. I hate school. I want to give up soooo bad. On everything. Truly. Nothing matters because I don't matter to anything or anyone anymore. If the teachers weren't so suspicious of my class for skipping school so much, I wouldn't show up tomorrow. Or Monday. Perhaps Tuesday as well. I have no desire to sit there anymore. I've been done with high school in my mind for a very long time.

Instead of taking a date to prom I'm going to have to take a bodyguard. The place is sooo ghetto...ack. For all the money in my damn school you'd think that they would have better taste. Hmph. Maybe I'll take Adam - really tall football player who could probably be a bodyguard as well in the given situation ;) Ugh I hate asking guys to dances! Next year better be different... this all-girls thing has gotten old.

Well I'd better go. I need to study (@&*^@#$!!!!!) and call Marisa and/or Dominic about tomorrow night...sigh... I'm going out even if it means that I get no sleep... I need to be around people who care. Later y'all.

New Goo Goo Dolls' music. Finally. Thank God.

For those of you who haven't heard "Here is Gone" yet, you're missing out...find it...buy it... do something!

I can relate to the lyrics of the song, or rather, what I know of them. I'm so excited about their CD... April 9th!

"Once you get free, talk to me, I can feel you fallin'..."

Read this and felt shivers go through me... if the person this is meant for were actually reading this, perhaps we could finally be on speaking terms.

... are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are.

Sad, but true. It's all in the past, but I can't help looking back with a sigh... I was so young and stupid. Now I'm a little older and hell of a lot smarter... things have happened. That experience taught me a lot, too... hmm.

*Song credit - "Are You Still Mad?" by Alanis Morissette

Ah... feels good to be a champion ;) My Sacred Ensemble Contest Choir got a superior rating this year, which qualifies us for state... arg... too bad we decided not to make the trip because it's during Spring Break. Sigh. Figures.

I finally did it. I put my foot down and said no... to a babysitting job... I have such a problem telling people that I can't, but I had to..anyway... it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I turned down a babysitting job being offered by the dean at my school in order to take care of some kids that I've watched for almost a year now. Annnnyway.

A huge part of me wants to go out and buy that damn dress I saw... for prom, that is... but it's backless and I'll get yelled at. Of course, I can always do what Lindsey said, which is to tell our dean that I've suffered for four years, I am REQUIRED to go to the damn thing, the theme is weird, and my date is probably not going to be the most spectacular guy in the world... I should at LEAST get to wear the damn dress I want to wear... and look hot in it... hmph. I doubt she'll buy that. But we'll see... I love it soooo much...it's so... so.... me. Perhaps I'll just buy it and force someone to take me to a dance next year so that I can wear it. ;) But it's gotta be a special person... agh... annnyway...however, I can *always* wear my stilettos... now they are a cute pair of shoes, lemme tell ya... or rather, all four pairs of them ;)

Agh... I leave for Vanderbilt in a week and a day! And I haven't started packing! ;) Knowing me I'll forget all the important stuff and be freezing my ass off in the middle of Nashville, TN... fun stuff...

Later y'all.

I have decided to take a break from studying (for the third time) for my government test. Sigh. I have the most moronic government teacher... she's so bad that words cannot describe her. Blah blah blah. I won't drone on and on about how stupid and evil and like, duh she is because it's pointless. Oh well.

Slowly but surely I can see my opendiary dying. Hmm.

I've received several sweet comments from a friend or two about how much I actually mean to them. For that, thank you... I don't know what else to say. You say that I'm a truly beautiful person inside and out... thank you, thank you, thank you... your words mean a lot to me. And I guess it would mean a lot to you if I actually believed what you said about me, right? I'll try my hardest...really.

Prom's coming up. Hooray. Our theme is "prom[dot]com" and I don't know whether or not I like it.

My hands are very cold and that makes it very hard to type. SMU offered me an invitation to their University Honors Program. Woohoo. That school does, however, throw a heck of a party (or plural...whatever)... still worth considering, I'm sure... though I'd end up living in an apartment sophomore year because (sadly) no one really lives on campus after fish year. Hmm...another thing to think about. Dallas? I dunno...

I have until May 1st to make my final decision on college... I'll probably turn in the damn deposit a week or so beforehand... and I want to pick my dorm...boo... I know that's one of the "special" things about ND, but for crying out loud... there is only one frikin dorn that I wouldn't want to be in, and knowing my luck, I'll end up there...bah... and I'd like to be closer to the buildings where I'll have class, not on the opposite side of campus so that I have to either a)run in the snow and be blinded as it sticks to my contact lenses or b)be stupid enough to try and bike to class, probably breaking my leg as I fall in a patch of ice along the way...hmm...

College smollege... I dunno what to make of you...I have no other choice, really... August, here I come... this all better be worth it.

Later.

Now there is a link by the author name or whatever so that you can (hopefully) leave a little message for me, if you'd like. Kali twisted my arm to get it ;) (Just kidding girlie, you know I love ya...)

Mary, I shall get to responding to your email after I look at some history notes... school is slowing down a bit right now, give me a call when you're free... I hate knowing that I can't get together and see you until, like, after Spring Break...ugh anyway. Okay... I'll save all that for the email... no more freaky dreams, I'm excited...annnyway...

Buhbye. I've got a doctor's appointment in the morning...woohoo.

It's nice to feel good about waking up on a Sunday morning and going to *gasp* confirmation class. It's almost 4:30pm today and I've been out to the mall, bought some new makeup, went to eat, etc. And I've already made plans for next Friday night...though it was supposed to be for Saturday night but I was busy, again, for the nth time in a row.... I wonder why my friends put up with me, especially those at school that would like to see me on the weekends...

Oh wait - they don't.

It only seems as if I have this new group of friends - Marisa, Yvonne, Dominic, Eric, etc... - that live closeby and think I'm cool enough to hang out with on the weekends. The girls at school don't seem to give a flying - well anyway - about me. And I hate that with a passion. Especially now that the year is coming closer to the end and everyone is just starting to get one everyone else's nerves.

And I can't say that I'm going to be leaving high school with a bunch of super close best friends whom I will miss terribly when I go off to college in August. In fact, I can't say that I even have a few. Sure, there are those that care about me, but none truly seem to make the effort to get to know me past what I've told them. I'm one of those people who won't share lots of personal details unless you push at me... try and move past my walls and barriers that I've built around myself over the years to protect myself against truly cruel people that I've known in the past. Basically I've been burned too many times to freely and openly let the flame close to me again, even if it would mean keeping me warm. Bah. I don't know. Perhaps that's my problem... people don't care enough to know me better because I'm a freak. Sigh.

It's been sooo cold outside and I've enjoyed it, actually. Let's see how long that lasts. The novelty will wear off, I'm sure, after I experience a snowfall or two. Vanderbilt should be freezing when I go to visit in a week and a half or so... my cousin said that there should be a ton of parties going on, especially since it's March Madness and such...hmmm... ought to be interesting.

Funny how I think I might truly be in love with someone but I can't allow myself to say anything... again, for the same reasons listed above. I think it might scare him to death...and that would suck because then I *really* wouldn't have a chance with him (I know, I know, stupid joke). But I think my real reasoning is because I sincerely don't think that he feels the same way... I'm not sure if I'm really the kind of girl that would ever spark his interest... I'm "friend" material... sigh I hate that... I hate being "friends" when the possibility for so much more is sitting right in front of us. But again, I'm stupid and not confrontational in that sense, so I sit and wait (in pain) as the years pass me by. Fun stuff.

Well I'll end this. Who reads this anyway? Later.

Can you believe that this is the first Friday night that I've decidedly kept myself at home? Wow. The past few weeks have been nuts... absolutely crazy... ugh whatever. It's so weird how it's only when I'm about to leave Houston that I've decided to go ahead and go out with the friends that like going out with me.

It's so odd how I've managed to have so many different types of friendships with so many different people but I have yet to find someone that is really like me. None of my girl friends are really anything like me... some of my guy friends kind of come close, when it comes to music and some other stuff... Eric comes really close, but if you're thinking that it's leading elsewhere, it's not. Truly. I just wish I had a really good girl friend that was truly like me...that liked the same music and clothes and had the same humor and everything. Sigh. Maybe I'll find that person next school year. In August. My gosh that's not that far away.

I've rediscovered Alanis Morissette and Silverchair. Both very good. I truly recommend them.

You know what's weird? Although I know I'm still changing and whatnot, I'm really starting to like the person I'm becoming... I stand up for what I believe in, I'm a "gamma" according to Mrs. Finch... I don't know... I think that I'm finally allowing myself to be the person I am instead of the person everyone else expects me to be. Hmm...

Later.